The suffocating smell of fumes. And wet coats. Tired bodies. All ugly, looming over me, all silent, all staring. I don't stare. I don't have to. I simply absorb their death-like existence. Against my will. It's like a smell. A strong, old smell. The bus rolls and rattles along. I can't hear myself think; I am lulled into a rhythm of a distinct descent into the depths of a black depression.
Every sharp, reckless turn turns my stomach. They seem oblivious. This noise. I must escape this roar. But outside the night is bleaker still. The streets glimmer with rain in the yellow streetlights. Yellow. Like eyes of evil creatures. Only at night.. They create fear and pain in my chest. My heart pounds. Don't want to be out there don't want to be in here. Don't want to be back it is not home there is no home.
I sink, sink, sink into my damp coat. Damp with the same awful rain smell as theirs. Not gentle sweet-smelling rain, but weak rain, wind-blown and unsymmetrical, unpredictable. Filling me with apathy, I can barely muster the emotion to feel despair... my mind begins to wonder vaguely- how the hell did I get here, into this warp black-hole vacuum sucking me in so I can't escape. What the hell is this all about, WHO ARE YOU I want to scream at them.. get me out of here get yourselves out of here you ugly freaks, the way you drag yourselves along. Where is my light my peace....
A soft sob escapes my throat, waking me from my dark solitude. I am innocence shattered, the bird exposed. Falling. Unprotected. 'No-one told me!', I want to cry...
But I refuse to submit to this Heaviness around me. Feeling my courage well up inside of me, I remember- I have seen more than this, been taught more, learned more. I know more than this, I am more than this. I can see with eyes open, and listen to my own Mind. And I do not like it. Though I will not judge it, nor will I excuse it. And I will create my own frame. A Life. Till it reflects peace, beauty. Not hidden and smothered and suffered but a life glowing authentically. Brightly and with Peace.
3 comments:
Kindred soul I can see..
Could be a chemical imbalance, by the way... hormones and whatever else..
Meds could help -
Therapy does -
Prayer does -
and feeding yourself positive messages does.
No matter what your circumstances are, only you can define your experiences...it's only you that can create the right attitude with which to experience life.
There is a brighter future,
Especially for someone with awareness and courage
Good Luck.
Chemical imbalance- definitely
Meds- wouldn't dream of doing away with
Therapy- one of favourite pastimes.
Prayer- if I ever learn how...
courage and awareness is what I would pray for. And a bright future..
Thank G-d the present is bright too-
full of wonderful supportive people and very much love..
The present is bright too. With the right attitude of course..
Lol -
'prayer' - if I ever learn how..
that's a familiar one to me too..
I do notice that when I get it right - even a little bit.. it goes a long way. NO question.
It seems to me you have measures of courage and awareness, yet I agree it's something worth to pray for continuously.
Therapy is one of my favorite pasttimes too.. although, as you know, it's not a luxury.
Super glad about your loving surroundings.
And defining the present' as bright - sounds like an excellent attitude to me!
Thatta girl!
:)
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