The Blue Robe and a Cigarette

I really dislike this pointless picture I just can't get rid of it what I really want to say is just that I lay on the floor just because I felt tired very tired. It was comfortable those coloured mats I don't think anyone cared really there weren't too many people around anyway. That women seemed fascinated when I changed the baby over there. I thought I am white trash even though I am not I quiet enjoyed pretending it for a minute or two so I tuned out my screaming son he was being wild and jumping on the coloured soft kids things over there. I don't even know why I went to the mall oh yes, I wanted to buy a hat because I felt pathetic for looking dumpy and depressing just because its so bloody freezing for god's sakes I didn't even get out of pajamas that day and I mean all day even in the mall I just had on a depressing puffy coat that I hate because the sleeves are too short and i feel fat and fifteen in it. Anyway because I saw this girl and other people with nice red hats on and coats with belts and scarves and they look nice even though it's cold so why can't I. Then maybe things will just be a bit better. But there were no hats and we looked in like fifteen stores for gloves for my son because he thinks its going to snow. And they are girls gloves and turquoise but he looks very beautiful in the matching hat and scarf. anyway we made a scene all over the place as usual that's when I really feel like trash when people stare because I have to grab him and try get him not to scream or cry or pull me in the other direction or push the baby carriage into some weird people. He actually did a cute thing and made me bend down so he could ask me a thing he was thinking. If I was wearing clothes or pajamas its cute I mean he's only four I guess he realised when he was watching me try on those copper high heeled boots I thought it would be nice just to buy something elegant that I could wear on he week-end. Oh yes that one girl was staring at me by the kids playing thing quiet openly actually wow did that make me feel like a crazy spectacle. She kept saying Perla to her child which was quiet annoying so I said sure and thank you in a very South African accent I guess it just suited the moment. The juice was nice orange and strawberry and orange and pineapple and kiwi and then I did buy some other boots in the end. In the car he asked me why I nearly went home without him so I just said it's a trick that parents do and isn't it a good trick because the children always come and he thought about that for a while and then he said his favourite part in the mall was the gloves and hat and scarf that we got. We were having supper he said remember yesterday we had a rough day so I said no that was today remember when the cornflakes and spilled and I shouted and you cried because he meant today. He was right it was a rough day but tomorrow we will try again and for now he is sleeping with his hat and gloves but not the scarf because he said its not so comfortable.

The Bleak Side

From the Diet to the Running

To the recital wednesday night
The cousins coming tomorrow

The doctor visit at 7:00 am

The insurance guy. G-d help me

I really want to get my robe shortened

Before Shabbos

Chanuka party to prepare

And Shabbos guests

Ironing

At least the house is clean

When

I hear the baby crying when he's not

Hear my son calling 'Mommy' though he's not

In the shower

When the music plays

Their voices ring in my ears

My heart jumps

My feet prepare to drag back across the house to their bedroom

My mind prepares

Exercise patience

It feels so typical

Is this really MY freakin life

G-d help me

Please

My head is spinning so fast

I think it might spin right off

Is this terribly depressing

Im sorry but

There is no happy ending

There is no ending at all

Thats the thing

Anyway

Now that its said I guess its not so bad

At all

At all

Check this out-

Happy Chanuka

I come from
The windowsill
Fingers laced around the cold window bars
Midnight air dark and thick blue
Sit still
I just fit
Wait
For he
He who will never come
I know it
But still I must wait


I come from
The white room
Black drapes
Stars and moons in silver
Cross my legs suck my thumb
Rock rock rock
Where I sit nights
Writing
Painting pain into words

They were the nights of fear
And the days of apathy
Because
I come from those
Deceptively cool green school lawns
Controlled by the power to reduce
Anything into Nothing
Glory into mediocrity
Genius into stupidity

There were
The girls that smile
And the boys that stare
And the kindness of a red car
Clean and cool and kind
Because you were neither and both
When I walked step by step
Bottle of red wine on the roof of a car
Balancing on a painted white line
Under the half moon of a black sky
Nights of flashing lights
Spinning and spinning into a blur
Merge into the throbbing music
To mirror the pulsating anger and hatred
Drink it down
Drink and dissappear
Swallow
And kill the fear

And run run run
Away
Save me hide me start me again
You did

And then
It was midnight
The pain was back but worse
With panic; escape

And
Its 2am
Its 3am 4am
Because
Time flies time floats
Roll hit and share
Laugh with red eyes
Exhausted on the couch
Burn out and start again
And pretend it's forever

Be still
Now it's morning
My head aches
My memory deserts me
Hang in the hammock
Smoke
Swing swing swing
Look forward
To a rising sun

The suffocating smell of fumes. And wet coats. Tired bodies. All ugly, looming over me, all silent, all staring. I don't stare. I don't have to. I simply absorb their death-like existence. Against my will. It's like a smell. A strong, old smell. The bus rolls and rattles along. I can't hear myself think; I am lulled into a rhythm of a distinct descent into the depths of a black depression.

Every sharp, reckless turn turns my stomach. They seem oblivious. This noise. I must escape this roar. But outside the night is bleaker still. The streets glimmer with rain in the yellow streetlights. Yellow. Like eyes of evil creatures. Only at night.. They create fear and pain in my chest. My heart pounds. Don't want to be out there don't want to be in here. Don't want to be back it is not home there is no home.

I sink, sink, sink into my damp coat. Damp with the same awful rain smell as theirs. Not gentle sweet-smelling rain, but weak rain, wind-blown and unsymmetrical, unpredictable. Filling me with apathy, I can barely muster the emotion to feel despair... my mind begins to wonder vaguely- how the hell did I get here, into this warp black-hole vacuum sucking me in so I can't escape. What the hell is this all about, WHO ARE YOU I want to scream at them.. get me out of here get yourselves out of here you ugly freaks, the way you drag yourselves along. Where is my light my peace....

A soft sob escapes my throat, waking me from my dark solitude. I am innocence shattered, the bird exposed. Falling. Unprotected. 'No-one told me!', I want to cry...

But I refuse to submit to this Heaviness around me. Feeling my courage well up inside of me, I remember- I have seen more than this, been taught more, learned more. I know more than this, I am more than this. I can see with eyes open, and listen to my own Mind. And I do not like it. Though I will not judge it, nor will I excuse it. And I will create my own frame. A Life. Till it reflects peace, beauty. Not hidden and smothered and suffered but a life glowing authentically. Brightly and with Peace.

These streets

Mirror the maze in my head

Dart this way, dart that way

It's too dark it makes no sense

Can't go right can't go left stuck stuck stuck

Just sit

There are no solutions

Every which way I turn

Something else challenges me

Heart pounds

Clock ticks

Traffic and oppressive heat

Clock keeps ticking

Fifteen minutes till class starts

Still have to find parking

Heartbeat accelerates

As my head starts to pound

What am I doing this for??

I feel dizzy

I don't want to despair

I think

None of this is easy

My pessimism, cynicism

I'd like to call it realism

Taken to a new level

A rock and a very hard place.

Tick tick tick

There is no better way just go straight

My eyes hurt

Want to scream

JUST STAY STILL

But nothing ever will

Tick tick tick

Tick tick tick

Nothing will ever stay still

Heart beats and clock ticks

And there will be no peace

None of this is easy and

No-one said it would be

So

Sit

Through the noise and rush

Find centre of gravity

Don't try to fix

Stop your mind from running in circles

Because you've been there before

There will be no perfection no solution

But create refuge inside

A peace a place of

Courage renewal

Each breath is deep and

Maybe

I can

For Three Days

I watched as you were wheeled in on your hospital stretcher bed
Hands limp beside you; that long IV needle with its friendly yellow cap
Protruding from your vein
Dye blond hair matted against your flaccid vacant face
Your head rolled over, eyes roaming slowly; uncomprehending
Your stare. My heart stopped a beat. I saw your utter exhaustion, confusion..
You were barely there
The words run through my head-
That one definitely took the shot..
I quickly look away, instinctively pull in my stomach
That's not me. Not not me. Right..? Not me.
Walk fast, faster; flip-flops slap-slapping reassuringly
Down that hallway.
Do I really have to be here?



I braved the sunny communal dining room
I think: Assylum
Trays and plates. Stand in line.
Obey the rules- No men
This strictly enforced by the warden-like woman
With short spiked red hair and the painful tone of voice
That says, "I love my job"


There are some women in terry-robes; fluffy slippers
Shapeless robes stockings wigs. Eat bread. Porridge.
I stare; disbelieving
And the group in thin hospital gowns and friendly pink toenails
Chatting and giggling over breakfast eggs..
What's with that somber skinny thing
Bleak black hair and black bags under wide black eyes
...

Play Mariah in my ears
Hot cup of tea. Sit alone in a quiet corner.
The flowers are pink and tall outside the thick glass windows
Tall windows all the way round the room
It's a sunny bright blue day
On the other side there
Sigh. Smile.


And then it's night
I like the quiet. The clean.
The wheeling of my tiny baby bassinet
Is loud. Distinct.
When we pass each other in the dimly lit hallways
It's with a humble, soft respect
This shared unanticipated intensity
Despairing emptiness inside
Celebration of new life
A tangible inspiration

The life and the death inside me
All around me
Overwhelms me
Relinquishes me of power
Fills me with infinite gratitude


Thank You World.

The Art of Waiting

How could I forget-

The Waiting Place

...for people just waiting

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting aroung for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow

Everyone is just waiting.

We all wait for something

It's not a passivity

A rather active state actually I have found

How well can you wait

Patient enough not to let it overcome you

Aware enough not to feel unprepared

Keep your waiting in the back of your mind

But only in the back

Till the time comes

And my wait is over

A new life in is place

New new Life