Close My Eyes

How do I get here every single morning

When my eyes burn so

My head so cloudy

Eyelids close won't open

I lay n bed

Warm

Shut shut the light

The world

Every

One

Shut my sore eyes and don't come back

Plug me in to the music

Please

Give me a week

To be still and dark

The waves in my heart too endless

The lists in my head too endless

Heavy

Aching

Sit

Hear the rain

Music metal and loud

Just sitPlease don't drag me out of here

Let me sit awhile....

Just

So I can breathe

So I don't break....

Into millions of pieces

Norm

I found this picture online- it's round the corner from my house!

My car! My little beat-up white car, I love so dearly.

Me and you through thick and thin.

From way back when I was a passenger... then there was my first trip home with my new baby... I remember how you were patient when I became a new driver- and we became firmly attached. And even more patient when I became an educated driver (chutzpah is a must in Jerusalem) - and then a pregnant driver!

You've really been there for us. Taken us all the way to the Chermon, to Eilat, Caesaria, Ashkelon.... Remember when the clutch gave... but we still made it back on the Tel-Aviv highway at 20km\hour?!

And those day when you were so loud, noisy and smelly, I was embarrassed to be seen with you. And your wonderful quirks and dents- darling front door that is NOT allowed to be locked. Period..... if you ever want to get in through the driver's seat again.

All those stressful parking moments and parking tickets (must be around 57 by now)

Remember when we got you a radio! What a joy! Then a cd connector. And when the discman and all my discs were stolen- an iPod connector.. Glory Be!

Well

I prayed for your speedy recovery- it's so good to have you back! Stay with me- I CANNOT be without you!

You have made my Jerusalem life the chill that it is..

And so today- reunited, we cruised along. Sunshine lighting up the city so vividly.

I drive by the tourists, you can spot them a mile away. And I wonder if they know this place.

The way I do.

To live in the ebb and flow of Jerusalem.

How it's not a vacation, a ten-day trip. Or even a one-year experience. Hotels, taxis, Kotel, Dead Sea and Cafe Rimon... Michal Negrin, maybe Emek Refa'im... That must be some other reality...

But this...

When you know the bank security guard. The parking lot security guard- which saves me getting out of the car to open the trunk so they can check (for bombs?!) The cashiers in the supermarket. The gas attendants. The mechanic. The butcher. The quaintest, most adorable coffee spots, and cocktail spots. The (best and fairest) fruit-sellers in Machane Yehuda. The Newspaper-man. Which tiny arbitrary store sells the freshest "loosies" cigarettes. The beggars who frequent this or that particular corner. The traffis lights that you'll never make and the ones you MUST. The meter maids (try make friends to fend off that 58th ticket!) And the real vacation spots where the tourists won't find you.

The glory of the city that's in its every detail.

We breathe this city's air, we know it's every mood..

It's not always particularly inspirational or spiritual..

But it's landscape marks journeys

Journeys of millions, over thousands of years

It's the city that holds my memories, my journeys

Jerusalem, maybe after all these years

You finally are

My home

If I Told You

Memories I have are event-less
Rather eight-year-old thoughts
Feelings and silence
The darkness of my bedroom at night
And the state of my young mind.
.That If I could be anyone
I'd be Alanis Morissette
That I spent countless teen-age afternoons
Smoking cigarettes on my roof
And the view of my street from up there
Is still the most beautiful I have ever seen
I have watched my life
Like I'm a ghost, my hands move without me.
My hero might sometimes be Rebbetzin Heller
And alternately indisputably Johnny Depp.
My most favourite character in Tanach
Is Rachav
That I've been diagnosed as BPD, OCD and Depressive
And that happy pills do work
My favourite movie is The Hours
But then again- it might be Mall Rats
I enjoy K'nesher and Shikira equally
Joni Mitchell, Red Hot Chilli Peppers
And every artist in between
I've been described as a constant acid trip
( And don't disagree)

If I told you

There are many many people I love deeply
Though I'm not sure what love is
When I look in the mirror
The love and hate that I feel simultaneously
Is completely overwhelming
That I don't ever recall having
A single honest dream or goal
I feel that I might have
Written a Million Little Pieces myself
That I've written for so many hours
That before I knew it, it was morning
And time for school
That I could never live without
Showering twice daily
And wearing sunglasses regardless of the weather

What would you say if you could sit in my head for a day? How I wish someone would..

Funny Pic

Isn't this funny?!
Wish you all a great Shabbos and Tu B'Shvat!

My Time

Those Hours. When. You actually feel like you're alive.
Instead of your life living you.
Things are vibrant, dynamic. The world is opportune, beautifully vivid and colourful.
How does it come? And go? How to remember that.. when you barely have to energy to. The sheer dreariness of a sad state. Can I possibly live any other way than this Other-controlled roller coaster carrying me along? To be doomed to dreary colourlessness till a song, a smile, a breath.. a word, rain, or a bit of sun, miraculously emerges me out of my gray box of a mind...

And then.
There is my time. Yoga. Breathe. Bend and fold with grace. With focus. The air is mine. My mind is mine. My body stretching as my mind eases out... Breathe, relax, focus, invigorate.

Take care of yourself, take control of your day. Just for today.
There is no box and there are no boundaries.

Earth

Challenge
My daily companion
It's the pain and struggle
That comes with being me
Being human
In this life against my will-
I am paralyzed, engulfed
I cannot be an active participant
My mind is dark
And racing- constantly
Thoughts and images fly of their own accord
The gravitational pull of my heart
Is almost overpowering
Like a magnet to a dark, endless pit below me
That I must resist, and resist
I struggle to uplift, to emerge
To see light, beauty
Meaning and purpose
In me, in you
In the world, in God
I am a tree
And the earth
I am solid, strong
I am honest and stubborn
My only hope is to direct
My power
Any which way I choose
Gravity pulls me down
Yet only from the Earth can I rise
In my world
Trip called growth
Simply the process of living each day
Drawing the nutrients
Buried deep and invisible
Into my every limb
To flourish, to grow beautiful
To provide shade and fruit
To all who pass me by
The goal, to give

We've Got Annie

Well for those of you who don't know- which is most of you- a play is put on here every year in Jerusalem.. you know, the usual.. a fundraiser for a well-known fertility clinic, run and performed by frum women for frum women bla bla..
This time it was an impressive imitation/ adaptation of the musical Annie!
I must confess I would never usually attend such a performance, I'm kind of nauseated by the inevitable repetitiveness of every one of these shows. but a family member starred- a small role- but nevertheless a big accomplishment- they say it's kind of exclusive (!?)
I would report it as um.. a Beis Yaakov level of professionalism.
In any event, although I may be a little snobbish or critical, or maybe just cultured!, in some ways, I must admit the three American Israeli girls sitting behind me with their formerly American mother put things in perspective for me!
See the performance through their eyes....
For starters they wanted to know, "Uh... what's a hard- knock- life mean?" and then- "Whats NYC?" I am not making this up. It was entertaining! They kept losing the plot, "Who's Ms Hannigan again? And that guy is who? Her brother?" and "What does Mommy (!) Warbucks mean?"
They enjoyed the lights between each scene- multicoloured splats, zigzags, dots, back to splats... a lame attempt at entertainment for the too- long pause between each scene. And soon enough they were humming along with catchy tunes they had never heard before!
I must say Annie was truly lovely- every outfit mimicking exactly those from the musical- and the kids were adorable. And Ms Haniggan- very talented, funny, really!
Would not have hurt to sing the songs one note lower, although the pianist was fabulous. And the dances were great, lively- especially the kids!
Anyway, it was enlightening to see the production through the eyes of other-culture. Most impressive was the fact that these women have kids and busy lives and put a LOT of energy into rehearsals and all that- for no payment- that's for sure. They find the time and energy
to do something expressive and enjoyable for themselves- which is very commendable.
So it was a fun night out after all!