It's easier and funner than it looks

yO sUsHi !

yoU hAve tO TrY It SoMeTImE

The I

fear
dark dark fear
gripping steel hand of anxiety
rooted so deeply in my heart
that old familiar place
that i'd rather not visit

but

i am alone
so i will be alone
this lonely view
i share with no-one
complete solitary being

my mind darts like a trapped bird
looking for someone someone
the voice says
there is no-one
only you
so be alone
alone i am

and now
things are so different
unrecognizably so
although not from your unchanging view
but i
i am i
my heart and the voices in my head
are yours no longer
i learned
pain sadness
loneliness faithlessness
sears your heart but wont kill you
if it hasn't got you yet
i learned
fight
hard
but
shhhhh..
quietly
and alone

and so i do
far away from anything familiar to you

almost comical but not
when i contemplate
how little your window is

you have never seen me
my death my salvation
us
the years
our life
our love
our laughter
our secret

to worry you
to pain you
is never my intention
nothing i do
is intended for you
anymore
i am me
i live for myself
act for myself
alone
freed

don't you see
i don't forget
you are there
and
i never ask for anything
if i wanted your help
if i thought it could exist
i'd ask

alone always and to die alone
help who you can
and be who you are
and live for no-one
if you live
let it be for yourself
alone

Purim

The table- red and royal. Extravagant. The menu- perfectly beautiful, delicious, yet practical (most guests will be too drunk to appreciate anything complex)

Mishloach Manos- inexpensive yet tasteful...

My family all made up sweet and lovely..

My child, so delighted with the pantomime, the perfect dream-like fantasy of today

Watch his face, his eyes when he takes it all in

The colours, the children, the streets of Yeruhalayim are so bright

Feel the goodness, the giving..

Put smiles on people's faces..

Can you?

Use all your energy- physical, emotional- your creativity, to create a day so joyous and free

Can you relax, let go, invite them all in, and sit and watch and enjoy

Discover the beauty of truth in release, inhibitions dissolved, appearances set aside

Be brave, be yourself. Fell full, feel free, feel confident to enjoy...

Can you relinquish all expectation, and simply welcome all that happens today

A mitzvah of feasting, celebrating, partying. A holiday steeped in mystery- and revelation.

A holiday so suited to today.

Dark, disconnected days- but we know its meaning is simple hidden

For now

Purim has always been my favourite..

When I finally feel peace, harmony, symmetry

In the seeming chaos, and lack of order.

From the past, to the future

Just one day

Fall into it

Let go

Experience it fully

Enjoy

:)

Close My Eyes

How do I get here every single morning

When my eyes burn so

My head so cloudy

Eyelids close won't open

I lay n bed

Warm

Shut shut the light

The world

Every

One

Shut my sore eyes and don't come back

Plug me in to the music

Please

Give me a week

To be still and dark

The waves in my heart too endless

The lists in my head too endless

Heavy

Aching

Sit

Hear the rain

Music metal and loud

Just sitPlease don't drag me out of here

Let me sit awhile....

Just

So I can breathe

So I don't break....

Into millions of pieces

Norm

I found this picture online- it's round the corner from my house!

My car! My little beat-up white car, I love so dearly.

Me and you through thick and thin.

From way back when I was a passenger... then there was my first trip home with my new baby... I remember how you were patient when I became a new driver- and we became firmly attached. And even more patient when I became an educated driver (chutzpah is a must in Jerusalem) - and then a pregnant driver!

You've really been there for us. Taken us all the way to the Chermon, to Eilat, Caesaria, Ashkelon.... Remember when the clutch gave... but we still made it back on the Tel-Aviv highway at 20km\hour?!

And those day when you were so loud, noisy and smelly, I was embarrassed to be seen with you. And your wonderful quirks and dents- darling front door that is NOT allowed to be locked. Period..... if you ever want to get in through the driver's seat again.

All those stressful parking moments and parking tickets (must be around 57 by now)

Remember when we got you a radio! What a joy! Then a cd connector. And when the discman and all my discs were stolen- an iPod connector.. Glory Be!

Well

I prayed for your speedy recovery- it's so good to have you back! Stay with me- I CANNOT be without you!

You have made my Jerusalem life the chill that it is..

And so today- reunited, we cruised along. Sunshine lighting up the city so vividly.

I drive by the tourists, you can spot them a mile away. And I wonder if they know this place.

The way I do.

To live in the ebb and flow of Jerusalem.

How it's not a vacation, a ten-day trip. Or even a one-year experience. Hotels, taxis, Kotel, Dead Sea and Cafe Rimon... Michal Negrin, maybe Emek Refa'im... That must be some other reality...

But this...

When you know the bank security guard. The parking lot security guard- which saves me getting out of the car to open the trunk so they can check (for bombs?!) The cashiers in the supermarket. The gas attendants. The mechanic. The butcher. The quaintest, most adorable coffee spots, and cocktail spots. The (best and fairest) fruit-sellers in Machane Yehuda. The Newspaper-man. Which tiny arbitrary store sells the freshest "loosies" cigarettes. The beggars who frequent this or that particular corner. The traffis lights that you'll never make and the ones you MUST. The meter maids (try make friends to fend off that 58th ticket!) And the real vacation spots where the tourists won't find you.

The glory of the city that's in its every detail.

We breathe this city's air, we know it's every mood..

It's not always particularly inspirational or spiritual..

But it's landscape marks journeys

Journeys of millions, over thousands of years

It's the city that holds my memories, my journeys

Jerusalem, maybe after all these years

You finally are

My home

If I Told You

Memories I have are event-less
Rather eight-year-old thoughts
Feelings and silence
The darkness of my bedroom at night
And the state of my young mind.
.That If I could be anyone
I'd be Alanis Morissette
That I spent countless teen-age afternoons
Smoking cigarettes on my roof
And the view of my street from up there
Is still the most beautiful I have ever seen
I have watched my life
Like I'm a ghost, my hands move without me.
My hero might sometimes be Rebbetzin Heller
And alternately indisputably Johnny Depp.
My most favourite character in Tanach
Is Rachav
That I've been diagnosed as BPD, OCD and Depressive
And that happy pills do work
My favourite movie is The Hours
But then again- it might be Mall Rats
I enjoy K'nesher and Shikira equally
Joni Mitchell, Red Hot Chilli Peppers
And every artist in between
I've been described as a constant acid trip
( And don't disagree)

If I told you

There are many many people I love deeply
Though I'm not sure what love is
When I look in the mirror
The love and hate that I feel simultaneously
Is completely overwhelming
That I don't ever recall having
A single honest dream or goal
I feel that I might have
Written a Million Little Pieces myself
That I've written for so many hours
That before I knew it, it was morning
And time for school
That I could never live without
Showering twice daily
And wearing sunglasses regardless of the weather

What would you say if you could sit in my head for a day? How I wish someone would..

Funny Pic

Isn't this funny?!
Wish you all a great Shabbos and Tu B'Shvat!