These streets

Mirror the maze in my head

Dart this way, dart that way

It's too dark it makes no sense

Can't go right can't go left stuck stuck stuck

Just sit

There are no solutions

Every which way I turn

Something else challenges me

Heart pounds

Clock ticks

Traffic and oppressive heat

Clock keeps ticking

Fifteen minutes till class starts

Still have to find parking

Heartbeat accelerates

As my head starts to pound

What am I doing this for??

I feel dizzy

I don't want to despair

I think

None of this is easy

My pessimism, cynicism

I'd like to call it realism

Taken to a new level

A rock and a very hard place.

Tick tick tick

There is no better way just go straight

My eyes hurt

Want to scream

JUST STAY STILL

But nothing ever will

Tick tick tick

Tick tick tick

Nothing will ever stay still

Heart beats and clock ticks

And there will be no peace

None of this is easy and

No-one said it would be

So

Sit

Through the noise and rush

Find centre of gravity

Don't try to fix

Stop your mind from running in circles

Because you've been there before

There will be no perfection no solution

But create refuge inside

A peace a place of

Courage renewal

Each breath is deep and

Maybe

I can

For Three Days

I watched as you were wheeled in on your hospital stretcher bed
Hands limp beside you; that long IV needle with its friendly yellow cap
Protruding from your vein
Dye blond hair matted against your flaccid vacant face
Your head rolled over, eyes roaming slowly; uncomprehending
Your stare. My heart stopped a beat. I saw your utter exhaustion, confusion..
You were barely there
The words run through my head-
That one definitely took the shot..
I quickly look away, instinctively pull in my stomach
That's not me. Not not me. Right..? Not me.
Walk fast, faster; flip-flops slap-slapping reassuringly
Down that hallway.
Do I really have to be here?



I braved the sunny communal dining room
I think: Assylum
Trays and plates. Stand in line.
Obey the rules- No men
This strictly enforced by the warden-like woman
With short spiked red hair and the painful tone of voice
That says, "I love my job"


There are some women in terry-robes; fluffy slippers
Shapeless robes stockings wigs. Eat bread. Porridge.
I stare; disbelieving
And the group in thin hospital gowns and friendly pink toenails
Chatting and giggling over breakfast eggs..
What's with that somber skinny thing
Bleak black hair and black bags under wide black eyes
...

Play Mariah in my ears
Hot cup of tea. Sit alone in a quiet corner.
The flowers are pink and tall outside the thick glass windows
Tall windows all the way round the room
It's a sunny bright blue day
On the other side there
Sigh. Smile.


And then it's night
I like the quiet. The clean.
The wheeling of my tiny baby bassinet
Is loud. Distinct.
When we pass each other in the dimly lit hallways
It's with a humble, soft respect
This shared unanticipated intensity
Despairing emptiness inside
Celebration of new life
A tangible inspiration

The life and the death inside me
All around me
Overwhelms me
Relinquishes me of power
Fills me with infinite gratitude


Thank You World.